I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
