so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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