So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
