Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
