I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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