The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
