i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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