my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
