So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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