8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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