i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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