3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
