1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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