Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
