How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
