hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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