The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
