she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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