Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
