I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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