how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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