Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
