Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
