Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
