hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
