i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
