My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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