A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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