Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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