you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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