I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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