eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
