I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
whose parrot is this?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
