Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
