one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
