Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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