I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
