dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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