How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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