Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
