If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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