She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
