Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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