why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
