Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
