Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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