It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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