the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
