when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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