Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
